People say that money makes the world go round …

I rather think that at the end of the day it is love that makes us go round.

And very often makes us go round and around in circles ; D

That’s not always so funny, love sometimes seems even maddening impossible and heartbreaking … but it is obviously always attractive and desirable.

We enjoy it when we have it, long for it and dream about it when we don’t experience it and basically i suspect that we are mostly rather confused what we mean when we say the magic words:

‘I love you’.

You are welcomed to contradict me or teach me something new, i am just a humble student of the magic of Love and it is maybe even a blasphemy if i speak so much about Love anyway.

What in God’s name do i know about it to even write about Love here on my blog!

: )-<

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Well actually, Love has been the most interesting and defining subject throughout my journey thru life, in both my personal relationship life as well as well as on my inner journey, spiritually and philosophically.

And also generally the most fruitful theme in trying to extract wisdom from my life’s experience and exploration.

So here i will try to share some of my understanding and perspective on Love.

When i listen to young people talking nowadays, i hear a lot of: Oh god, i love your … hair!’, ‘I love … this or that or the other’.

I am obviously not talking about this very obvious confusion of the words ‘like’ and ‘love’ so common with the Facebook generation.

I rather talk about the fact, that when i look into all kinds of novels, songs and movies, there is a lot of love going on there, love scenes, seeking love, falling in love, being in love, loosing love and so on. Really a lot of it!

I have the feeling that in contemporary culture love is mostly associated with romantic relationships, quite a lot of sexual desires mixed into it.

And the ‘Falling in Love’, ‘Falling for The Someone Special’ is the main desirable thing there.

We could call this the Romantic kind of love.

And from all i know & see, this is mostly a rather unconscious mix of all kind of different things that we give the name Love.

In other cultures and in some spiritual philosophies there can be found a much deeper and more helpful distinction and differentiation of Love.

This is not about creating boxes and categories, it is not an intellectual game for the sake of words!

In my experience it really helps to know about all these shades of colors that Love has.

It helps me in the quest of ‘Man, know thy Self’, the understanding of myself and the world.

From everything that i have read about Love, i like most what some of the classical Greek philosophers had to say about this topic, mostly Plato, a really cool dude who was born in the year 423 before Christ.

Here is what i understand from his teachings about the different Shades of Love:

1. Eros – the passionate, sexual love

Eros is sexual or passionate love, and is the type most similar to our modern notion of romantic love. In Greek mythology, it is a form of madness brought about when hit by one of the arrows from the god Cupid ; ).

The arrow hits us and we ‘fall’ in love. It just happens to us somehow and we can’t do much for it or against it. It makes us see our love partner with pink glasses and in the very best light. Usually it is a rather temporary state that – although very enjoyable – often ends with a certain disillusionment.

Since this kind of love is fueled mostly by passion, desire, projection and the wish to ‘have the other’, a lot of pain, jealousy and unhappiness often is the result when people get stuck on this level of relationship.

Just read the novels, listen to the songs on the radio, Hollywood movies are full of it.

2. Ludus – the playful, uncommitted kind of love

Ludus is playful or uncommitted love or attractiveness. It can involve activities such as teasing and dancing, flirting and seducing. The focus is on fun, and sometimes also on conquest, with no strings attached. 

Ludus relationships are casual, undemanding, and uncomplicated, but nevertheless can be long-lasting. Ludus works best when both parties are in agreement, are mature and self-sufficient.

Problems arise when one partner in the game mistakes Ludus for Eros or simply wants more than just playing around joyfully.

3. Philia – the friendship kind of love

The sign of Philia, or friendship, is mutual good will. The Greek philosopher Aristotle said that a person can have goodwill to another for one of three reasons:

– that he/she is useful

– that he/she is pleasant

– and above all that he/she is good, that means that he/she is rational and virtuous.

Friendships founded on goodness are associated not only with mutual benefit but also with companionship, dependability, and trust.

For Plato – interestingly! – the best kind of friendship is that which lovers have for each other. It is Philia Love born out of Eros, and in turn it feeds back into Eros to strengthen and develop it.

It transforms erotic love from a lust for possession into a shared desire for a higher level of understanding of the other, of the self and the world.

Real friends can seek together to live truer, fuller lives by relating to each other authentically and teaching each other about the limitations of their beliefs and the defects in their character.

They can function – if they are mature enough – as each other’s therapist, counselors and true companions of the inner journey of self-discovery and maturation.  Of course for that to happen it is necessary to find a friend with some degree of openness, ability to express things verbally and a uncompromising willingness to change and to be changed.

4. Storge – the family-al kind of love

Storge – the familial love, is a kind of Philia love that means mostly the love between parents and their children.

Especially when it is directed towards younger children, it can be quite unconditional, one-sided or asymmetrical. More broadly, Storge is the fondness born out of familiarity or dependency and – unlike Eros or Philia – does not focus our personal qualities or deficiencies.

This mothering kind of love can become quite unhealthy when kids grow up and get older.

Also people in the early stages of a romantic relationship often expect to be loved in such a unconditional way, but find only the need and dependency of Eros, and – if they are lucky – the maturity of Philia.

5. Pragma – the pragmatic kind of love

Pragma is a kind of practical love based on reason or duty and on one’s own longer-term interests.

Sexual attraction is not the most important factor here, rather important are personal qualities and compatibilities, shared goals, and a willingness to make it work.

In cultures of arranged marriages, Pragma was and is very common.

In our modern societies, many relationships that start off as Eros or Ludus end up as various combinations of Storge and Pragma love, which is the case in a lot of long-term marriages.

In the best of cases, the partners in the pragma relationship more or less unconsciously agree to turn a blind eye – or even a knowing eye on the shortcomings of the partner for the sake of convenience and security.

7. Philautia – the love of Self

Philautia is self-love, it can be healthy or unhealthy.

Unhealthy self-love leads to narcissism and hubris – excessive pride or over-confidence.

Narcissism usually leads to pride and leads to destruction. Narcissistic behavior and hubris can show up as extreme self-centeredness, a inflated sense of one’s status, abilities, or accomplishments, especially when accompanied by arrogance.   

A healthy self-love can be experienced as self-esteem, which is the cognitive and emotional acknowledgement of our own worth. This kind of healthy self-love it is the lens through which we think, feel, and act into the world. It determines all our relation to ourselves, to others, and to the world. 

Self-esteem and self-confidence do not always go hand in hand. It is possible to be highly self-confident and yet to have rather low self-esteem. I have read about quite a lot of movie-stars who suffer from that contradiction. (The great Georg Clooney is honest enough to say so ; )

People with a healthy self-esteem do not need to elevate themselves with external means such as income or status, or use such self-destructive behavior as alcohol, drugs, or sex as artificial boost to be somebody.

People with self esteem are able to give themselves completely to their projects and to their people of choice because they do not fear failure or rejection. They have persistence and perseverance, they are open to growth experiences and relationships, tolerant of risk, quick to joy and delight, and accepting and forgiving of themselves and others.

Wouldn’t  this be a wonder-full world if we would all have a healthy self esteem, Love of Self.

6. Agape – the Universal, all encompassing Love

Agape is universal love, the love for all beings, for humankind, for strangers, nature or for God.

Unlike Storge, it does not depend on familiarity or any kind of intimate knowing of the other. 

Agape – a very old term from the Vedic scriptures of ancient India is called Charity by Christian philosophers.

It encompasses the modern concept of altruism – which is defined as unselfish concern for the welfare of others. Altruism has quite a lot of benefits. Besides making us feel happy, it is associated with better mental and physical health, as well as longevity. Quite a lot of studies say so : ) Lets try that!

At the level of society, altruistic behavior of a person signals cooperative intentions and also of the availability of personal resources. 

More generally, altruism, or agape, helps to build and maintain the psychological, social, and environmental network that can enrich and sustains society.

When we look around in our world – especially our over-civilized world – it is very clear that we could use a lot of Agape love to get us out of the mess that mankind is in now.

Don’t you think so too?

Ufff! That’s it.

Plato and his friends, they have been some quite thorough kind of guys. At least in their brain ; D

But their philosophical research & exploration has helped me a lot to understand my own experiences concerning LOVE.

And all that is very helpful when i look around and see other people involved in intimate relationships – struggling or not.

My hope is, that it is helpful to you too.

If you made it thru all this writing until here, you’ll have 5 stars in the book!!!

: D

ps: Of course there is still much more to say and discover about LOVE.

You are very welcomed to write a comment or contribution to the theme. Further down the page.

THANK YOU.